In this period, everyday is worse...I know not many people care but the ones who do can tell I’m not really myself. I am losing grip of who I really am.
This past weekend I almost broke my bedroom door out of anger and I ended up doing much worse than that. SHIT HIT THE FAN!
I could die right about now and just so that I can be. I'm no longer who I used to be. I lost my joy a long time ago and I cannot seem to find it. I keep telling myself if I retrace my steps I will find myself. But me retracing has also regressed 'me'. I put ‘me’ in quotes because I really no longer know who 'I' really am.
I no longer feel secure in all the people I used to. I no longer care about my actions. I've become rebellious in a way I cannot fathom. I do things putting on a face so that no one really knows what I'm going through.
This is emotional torture...fighting with myself to find myself. Does it really make sense. It has reached a point where anything goes...anything. I can no longer talk to God without feeling how pointless that is. I know He is not proud of me and my recent actions.
I want to say I'm sorry but I'm not sure if that's me speaking or 'the new me'.
Today I'm going to pay for my actions. It will lead to a humongous heartbreak and a possibility of me hibernating from myself even more.
The one person I thought I could find security in, has failed me and today I come clean.
I will not blame anyone for what is happening. I chose to bear all the burdens and consequences that come with it.
Toda, I come clean with all the emotions I have protected everyone from then maybe they will understand my recent actions. Today I bring down my ‘sura ya pr’.
I'm really sorry I had to leave but I’ll try to come back. For now, please let me go if you must…